An Imaginable Life

The First Dates at the Airport: Chapter 1

Chapter 6

The hostel lay in a hush, I slid off the bed, a small thud from wooden floors but no creak or raised head amidst landing. I grabbed a wall for balance in the lost light; an almost shuffle moved my feet for hidden bags on the floor. There I found the meds that I forgot to take. Then sliding my hand with the faintest touch up Lila’s exposed arm. Each hair rose in surprise, then cast down in familiar comfort. She knew this touch, recognized it, and as much as I had no intention of spooking her, my romantic gesture almost had. Her head turned towards me slowly in morning dusk, catching a warm reflection of the sunrise through the nearby window. 

It glowed on her soft face, my partner was gorgeous. Each color made for a painting on her resting eyes that made mine go blank in steady sight of her eyes. Her slight, awkward morning smile acknowledged my nudge towards up. 

It was truly a beautiful way to start the morning. 

Her landing was smoother. A tender toe reached the torn wooden floors and landed with each following. So nimble, so smooth. It ascended my smile as I’d turned back to watch her beautiful frame descend from her bed. I’d begin to describe it as therapeutic to watch her body movement at times. Peaceful at the least. 

With a wave, I motioned her towards the door in unneeded haste. I received a “phhh” from Lila in return. 

I grabbed our towels and emerged upon a sunrise covering the landscape. In Guatemala, mornings were warm, a slight breeze may wake you up, but in our cocooned hostel lakeside we were hidden by the geographical location. In the distance lay Mount Acatenango, a Volcano I’d climbed in my past.

Since then, what life before me was Lake Atitlán, a morning dip would be considered wise, the wise night owl knew. Lila joined, but I’m sure later fall back asleep in the freedom of our day thus forward. 

First our dip, naked as can be, but a warm hug. I almost wanted to be back in bed with her,  

“Hmmm.”

“Hmmm?”

“Mmmhmmm.”

With a nod, we jumped off the end of the dock into the warm, yet refreshing lake. We then kissed under morning light as a rush to the dock was made before the two nudists could be seen. We made our towels and then slowly made our way back to the room. Few words were spoken, light clothing was found and changed into, we made our way to the hostel’s front desk, where free tea was in order. We sat silently for a moment again.

“Do you love this life?”

“You built this life, yes, yes I do. So much weight on your shoulders isn’t there though? I can feel it. You toss in your sleep.”

“It’s always there, the stigma and the past, it carries weight.” 

“The stigma of schizophrenia and other diseases is dying slowly. I’ve met a handful of bipolar individuals who were some of the kindest people I’ve ever met. You chose the right people in San Francisco, people can say what they want about it, but I love my city.”

“Your city is San Francisco, so is mine, San Diego maybe competes and so does Seattle. But I like the San Francisco area, there’s an energy that runs through that place. But I’m also just a fan of the fog, it helps my head too.”

“What else helps with your head? I’m curious.”

“Cold weather, kind people, bird watching.”

We sat in silence as we sipped our tea. Still all smiles up to this point. But I began to worry when I started to get rhyming again or became too emotional.

“I wanted to tell you that sometimes I have really bad days, where everything falls apart.”

“You’ve said that before, about the galleon?”

“The galleon was never rebuilt since the last time, but it’s going well.” 

“How bad did she hurt you?”

“She didn’t, she just told me the truth at the time.”

“And what was that truth that broke you, that sank the galleon?”

“Well, that I’d be a bad father and after my own reactions to the situation I began to believe it. For a long time I viewed my family as having long line of bad men in it, my father being one of them. I was angry at my parents for a long time. I believed I was generationally doomed after she told me that, the goal was to restart my family line. Abandon all ships. She didn’t follow me into the abyss, the abyss that broke me and eventually made me swim.”

“The abyss that made you swim, are you referring to existential thought.”

“That was just part of it but yes, you see me as I am now, but not as the homeless man trying to run away from his family, make a home for his friends in the woods.”

“Ahh, it got that bad, did it? I don’t think you’d be a bad father, not that it seems on the agenda, but that’s a low spot to hit.”

“It got pretty bad, chasing a dream of being a good father as I referred to it, my parents’ worst nightmare and what ended up getting me into a mental hospital. Which is why I’m still with you today, my mom saved me. If I hadn’t put down my pride, asked for help, showing her my 489 tattoo.”

“And what’s this?”

“The number 489 means to take action spiritually, and in my point of view it meant putting down my pride. Staying alive. The number comes from the number of feet from the top of the Grand Teton I was at before having to turn back around, due to frozen hands in the snow. I’ve gotten closer to death than most people at this point in their lives. But the closest I ever came was in those woods. Where if I hadn’t made a phone call, my delusion would have never died.”

“You’ve seen my tattoo, my butterfly, I had to be reborn at one point too. I understand putting down your pride and taking medicine. I no longer take antidepressants, but I used to.”

“Is that what that means…to be reborn is its meaning. Why the back of your neck?”

 “I sure hope so. Why your middle finger for 489?”

“Not sure, but let us make you reborn again today. What would you like to do, shopping the streets, relaxing here, or cliff jumping?”

“I’m tired. Why don’t we relax here for today? You can work on your writing, and I’ll get to accounting.”

And so we did, we spent most of the day relaxing. Going for more swims here and there, both of us typing away. 

“She flew like a feather, 

A soft butterfly in the wind, 

Landing on me softly, 

So that I just might win. 

The world is our oyster, just as it used to be

We’re just two young kids again playing with tea.”

I didn’t love this one, but it was the best I could do, distracted by thinking about future possibilities with Lila, wondering if she’d follow me. I couldn’t help but understand the elephant in the room, as her eyes gaze up from her book as I write from across the patio. Little did she know I needed her as much as I assumed she needed me. To have a home requires two, and the home I made in my head, my dream…well it has too many expectations. Think normally, just enjoy the moment, Norwood.

“Can I call you Norrie? Please?” With a look from across the room.

“Yes. Of course. We should try the sauna out. ”

“Yes we should.’

We went over to the Sauna, a hand-built dome of clay and rocks where a fire was required to be lit outside the small temple of warmth. We dove inside where we both sat in our bathing suits getting toasted as I poured water over the rocks heated from the fire outside. 

“It’s tight in here.”

“Toasty.”

“Does heat help with your head?”

“Mostly no, actually, I’ll probably have to take a cold shower after this to cool off.”

“And I’ll join you for that.”

The little room was warm and silent, soundproof as well in the little warm igloo. 

We sat silently for a while, something that was becoming regular.

“You like the silence too, don’t you?”

“Well, I do enjoy feeling. Just silently feeling, and I guess I’ve grown fond of it after living in the city so long. The bustling cars, horns, it’s not good for me all the time.”

“Just feeling, I just feel a lot, I believe. It can only be done in silence, I think, just the feelings of being alive.”

“Well, for me it starts in my feet. Grounding, like my yoga classes.”

“Maybe we should do some yoga after this.”

“No, cold shower, or maybe another swim off the docks.”

She said with a side-eyed smile.

“Massage for you tonight.”

“Massage for both of us tonight.”

But then I heard it, faintly, a voice. I got out of the dome, aiming towards our room. Lila following. 

“Sorry, I might need some time alone, actually.”

“Why are you not okay? You want the massage now?”

“ I’m fine there’s just this thing that happens sometimes, like I told you overly emotional. I just should probably be left alone for a while, alright. The heat does get to me sometimes, and we’re in a warm place, and this closeness reminds me of some bad times.”

I started shaking slightly as we reached the closed doors of our room.

“Alright, can be here with you for the bad time maybe? Maybe explain it to me.”

“Sometimes the voice comes back, and I’ve been taking my medication at odd times recently.”

“Well, why don’t we go lie down?”

“No, I need to pace for a minute, think about what I’m doing. I’m moving too quickly again.”

“That’s okay… hey, calm down with me. Let’s go breathe together. Hey, tears are good, tears are an alright thing.”

She gave me a big hug as little tears dripped slightly, as they sometimes do.

“It’s just the last time I moved quickly with a person I was accidentally hurt, she hurt me, which led to the way you are n…sorry I am now.”

“Hey, come here, lie down. You told me that earlier”

“Okay-yyy,” I said with more shivers.

She grabbed the lotion.

“I think your body is just a little overloaded right now”

“Please don’t tell me how I’m feeling, it doesn’t help.”

“Alright, well then let’s hear the story. Get it out now while it’s bad right?”

“I took shrooms with the girl while I was innocently in love with her and then chased her when she slept with another guy soon after. The shrooms did something to our connection where I couldn’t lose her. We were too closely bonded and she broke everything for me, I tried to be a friend, I really did. It crushed me, hearing that I’d be a bad father and watching her be with another man. I never fully regained a healthy state of mind for over a year. I lost everything about myself. You’re the first time I’ve been with a woman since then. It’s making me nervous.”

“Norrie, that sounds terrible, but you know what’s great? I’m not her. I’m as loyal as it gets.”

As she warmed the lotion in her hands, my body still shaking slightly. I grabbed the pillow, sensation. Deep breaths, calm. Deep breaths, in and out.

“You’re right, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay.”

I tried to stand up and, for the first time, with lotion in hands, Lila gave me a stern look that told me to lie back down. Lying back down is where I went.

“So you went a full year.”

“I went a full year of having panic attacks, PTSD type attacks until I was homeless. Well I was always without a home, but lost access to a moving car. I was off and on emotionally with her as a friend; I broke social norms and tried reaching out for help even when she blocked me. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t even ask. My parents didn’t believe me, as I had pushed them away after the first attack. My mind became lost, and I turned to the woods at the end but turned back before I was lost.”

“Holy shit, I thought that was a metaphor earlier, you actually went into the woods, didn’t you?”

She began rubbing into my back.

“Ohhh, that feels nice. I’ve never…ohh that’s so nice. Never had human touch in moments like these.”

“Ahh, so these, these moments happen often, don’t they?”

“They happen sometimes when I’m overwhelmed.”

“So this is why you hide from me. Well let me tell you, I’m not afraid of this. If this is what it looks like, it’s not scary at all.”

Well let me tell you, I’m not afraid of this. If this is what it looks like, it’s not scary at all.”

“It got scary, the voices got dark, so did other people for a while in the after-events. It produces the fear. I do my best now, the medication fixes it, though.”

“These voices, are they always in here?” Touching the back of my head lightly, playing with my hair.

“No. They’re rarely there anymore. Just sometimes.”

“Well, let’s pull it back a bit again, slower steps.”

“Well I kinda took you on a plunge to the deep end already, didn’t I?”

“Yep, and I’m here for this ride. I knew there was something special about you. You carry your pain all alone, don’t you, in fear of doing it again.”

“Maybe.”

“Sweet boy, I can’t get enough of you already. I need to watch over you here for a little while, I used to be more distant. Even though it seems like I already have been. Oh my god, I didn’t give you space. Fuck me.”

“What?”

“I’ve got issues too. I was in a relationship when I got into college. I was in love. He cheated on me for someone better. Where do you think the depression came from, I got manically angry…ohh so fucking angry. Then incredibly distant, knowing there was someone else. I have a hard time respecting boundaries now.”

As I could almost hear her growling behind me.

“Someone better? Also clearly I need my boundaries crossed a little. My boundaries are built out of fear.”

“Clearly we both have disputes and things to heal from.”

I pulled her in for a forgotten hug. That she too had a ship at one point, a bad ship, a faulty crew member. 

“Well now what?” Crossing her arms next to me as soft tears began coming from her eyes too.

“Now we’re both a mess,” with a giggle from both our cheeks.

“There are those dimples, I love those dimples.”

“You love them?”

“Love them.”